This is going to be short and to-the-point.

I’ve been doing some online trolling lately. Which is to say that I’ve been attempting to garner women into dating me through the internet… with limited success. This, however, has nothing to do with me. But more with everyone else. Grab a pen and paper and take notes. I promise, you need them.

Girls, stop writing the most inane, dumbest shit in your profile. When you’re asked what you like to do, don’t reply with “I like to have fun.” No shit!??! You like to have fun? Well fuck me with a paper shredder! Listen, you stupid bitch, everyone likes to have fun. You only sound like a fucking retard when you write that. Way to be original. The other thing that pisses me off is the obligatory, “I like to hang out with my friends” line. Of course you like to hang out with your friends, douche! That’s why they’re called ‘friends.’ You’re not being witty or insightful by stating that you enjoy doing things that don’t make you sad. What fucking moron would say they hate having fun and want to stab their friends in the temple with a knife? No one. Exactly. Try and dig a little deeper and tell me something random and interesting.

And don’t tell me that you’re looking for Prince Charming or for someone to rescue you. Grow the fuck up. You aren’t 4 and life isn’t a Disney movie. Dumb ass.

Now for the guys. Each and every single last one of you are idiots. It’s taken me 30 years of my life to reach this conclusion. An example of a good opening line is not, “Wanna fuck?” Believe it or not, there are words on profiles for a reason. And it’s not just to clutter up the screen in between pictures. Also, if your name is prefaced by the word “The” then you should probably go kill yourself right now. And for the love of Christ, go put on your shirt. You’re only reinforcing the stereotype and you’re going to make me to beat the shit out of you. And by beat the shit out of you I mean, hire someone to beat the shit out of you. Cockwaffle.