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What Makes A Successful Relationship?
Check it. Lance over at Honey and Lance asked me to write a little blurb on what I think makes for a successful relationship. Granted, I’ve yet to have a successful relationship so I’m not entirely sure how apt a topic this is for me, but I’ve gone ahead and put together a little thought on what I think it takes. Take a trip over to his site and check it out. If you’re too lazy like I am, here’s the reply. Although, some of the other guest writers there have some really fucking stupid great ideas. Here it is, folks:
As anyone that’s ever been in a relationship will tell you, the definition of a successful one is where she dies before you do. I could easily give 40 different esoteric answers on how to fix/develop/find decent relationships. But that’s useless. So I’ll give you a single answer that will keep you and your partner together forever. The key to any good relationship is to know when to shut. the. fuck. up.
I already know what’s happening. Every single woman reading this just dropped an ovary because you think I’m perpetuating the stereotype that men don’t like to open up to you and talk. In as much as that’s true, that’s not the point I’m making here. How many relationships could be fixed if one person would just shut the fuck up? That’s right. Damn near all of them. But, instead, every single person reading this has said to themselves, “This stupid douche canoe actually thinks they’re right! Fuck that!!” then continues into a witless barrage of pedantic insults designed to push buttons but inevitably are more irritating than hurtful.
Men and women are different. Relationships are, by nature, designed to fail. I know. I know. I’m about to get razed to the ground by neo-conservatives that believe I’m the devil. But I challenge you to… challenge me. Think about it. We’re inherently polar opposites. I’ll give you some examples.
Women want guys to be hyper-emotional. They want us to be so effeminate to where we cry as soon as you leave us. Instead, we will try to go fuck your best friend. Men flirt. It’s what we do. But before we go to sleep, we always think about the one we truly care about. However, most of the time, it’s the whore we just picked up at closing time. Women want men to notice how beautiful their smiles are. And, ladies, we do. Especially when you’re looking up from our penis.
Guys, it isn’t entirely their fault that relationships fail, though. I was out at a bar the other night (I say “night” but it was probably around 11 a.m.) and these words were actually uttered by some cockwaffle talking to a girl near the pool tables, “A guy who likes you wants to be the only guy you talk to.” And ladies, this is absolutely true. Because he’s psychotically possessive and will stalk you all day just to make sure he’s the only one you talk to. People like this should go stick their dick in an oven and stop trying to breed.
Men are typically over-thinkers. If a woman does the smallest little thing guys will think about it for hours trying to figure out what it meant. However, a few shots and a lap dance later we’ll forget what the hell we were thinking about. But, inevitably, if we happen to make a mistake we will think about it for a very long time. However, since most men don’t have a fucking clue when we do something stupid the fact that we recognize it and understand that it was a fuck up, it must have been pretty big. Like hitting on your mom. Just a tip, ladies: You should probably call and remind us when we mess up. We love that.
Men can be altruistic when the time calls for it, though. I’ve seen it time and again. Guys will sacrifice sleep, food, health and sports to be with the woman (or other guy, I’m not judging) that he loves. Unfortunately, this will last about a week. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT get used to this.
But ladies, please don’t try and fool yourselves into thinking that if you break up with us that we sit around wasting away and waiting with bated breath for your return. Fuck that with a blow dryer. We’ve moved on. He and your ex-best friend are doing well. She actually lets him do it doggy so they can both watch wrestling at the same time. And she doesn’t nag him about hitting on your mom.
Shut. The. Fuck. Up.
