I’m a professional cynic committed to irony. I have no problem being the idiot getting laughs in the middle of the room, simply because I’ve done it so much I’m now numb to it. I buy books and never read many of them. I will threaten you with bodily harm, deal with it. Water calms me. I love to cook, thusly I love the Food Network. Day-dreaming is dangerous. I despise the paparazzi but have to read every tabloid magazine in line at the grocery store. I love to dance… probably because there’s a soundtrack to my life playing in my head. Often times I have complete conversations consisting of nothing but movie quotes. Buddhism has too many precepts. I hate being lazy, but have been known to stay in my bed for 48 hours straight. People with less than 4% body fat make me self-conscious. “Pianist” sounds funny. I only eat organic foods, but will have a hamburger every chance I get. Street noises create musical scores in my head. There’s no such thing as bad Asian food, however, I know some bad Asians. I know what I did last summer. I know a little about a lot of things, a lot about a few things… but I know everything about Dawson’s Creek. I still jump on the bed and then fix the covers so no one ever knows. At first I thought Soderbergh was just lucky but after “Traffic”, I stand corrected. Website usability is relative. The first woman I ever loved was my mother. Far off stars and thoughts of infinite space overwhelm me. I believe in the healing powers of: sleep, music, love, and fried chicken with collard greens. Hand-drumming is a great way to meet weird people. People that constantly apply lip balm creep me out. Zoos depress me. I fail to understand America’s obsession with Paris Hilton, she looks like a Great Dane. Creativity is my genre and I dabble with digital art on occasion. I like to think that I forgive easily, but I’ve been mad at my father for 3 years. I believe that humans are animals and what we call “teaching” is really only “training.” Words move me. Techno is not music. Global warming doesn’t exist. I’m a writer whom nearly flunked English. My dog is my best friend because he always listens to me no matter what. I’m highly intelligent, yet I suck at math, Jeopardy and burrito eating contests. Happiness is only an illusion. I learned a great deal about life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness from Internet porn. Sunshine bothers my eyes. A slow tune on Scottish bagpipes is hauntingly beautiful. I’ve never felt the earth move. Laughter is crucial. I desperately want to wear a kilt. Technology is cool and I crave all-in-one devices. Mushrooms are the food of the gods. Since the age of fifteen, I’ve made home movies. Heaven is a place within that one can’t live without. I know that’s cheesy… yum, Brie. I’m not liberal enough to be a Democrat and not conservative enough to be a Republican. I know why the sky is blue. I really enjoy edgy comedy. Jon Stewart should hire me but never will. I sing. I’m sensitive. I can be cranky. My brother is kind-hearted and often misunderstood. Apple is the computer of my eye. My phone only rings when someone’s calling. Candlelit dinners look flickeringly funny. Sometimes I won’t talk to people for days simply to make them miss me. I love NYC and dream of living there. I synchronize clocks. I’m quick to judge and slow to mend. I’m gentle. The only dogs I like are mine. I get mad like House MD and identify with Chuck. Sticky notes are all over my desk, but I can’t remember what they’re for. My hair is brown, and thinning. I can be surrounded by people and still feel completely alone. The Internet inspired me to reach beyond my limitations. I’m a hopeful romantic. I have been told that 30 is the new 20… and I know this to be a big, fat lie. Reptiles are fascinating but too scary to touch. Dreams are what reality is made of. Void where prohibited. Some restrictions apply.