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You’re an idiot. And so are your stars.
Alright, can we all just agree that people can’t cast spells and astrology is bullshit? While we’re at it, let’s stop using the phrase, “I’m not religious, I’m spiritual.” Every time I hear anyone call themselves “spiritual” it’s just after they mention astrology and just before I land a flying elbow to their ovaries (as anyone who believes in astrology is undoubtedly a woman who needs to be punched in the crotch). Most people who read horoscopes also buy into other new age crap like tarot cards and self-healing.
Self healing? Self healing was perfected by Rambo in Rambo: First Blood when he stitched his arm shut after he cracked a kid’s back while jumping off a cliff (and the only reason his arm split open was because he’s so tough he wanted to make the bad guys think they had a chance. It was like Rambo sent them all Christmas cards, but instead of cards it was murder). Continue reading this post…
A love letter to the one I adore.
Dear Internet Porn,
These last ten years have been quite a trip, have they not? My letter to you now, however, is not one of celebration… I don’t feel like we are the same anymore. We just don’t have that passion we used to.
When we first met I was a loser, and you were there for me. My parents told me that you were no good for me, but I didn’t listen. You showed me that there were plenty of people like myself getting laid. It was beautiful and passionate. Your softcore erotic videos were a tasteful introduction to my budding sexuality.
As I got older I started seeing girls on the side. I knew you were jealous, but you have always held a special place in my heart. You became naughtier and it affected my relationships. I started wanting all the things I had seen you do. I wanted to be just like you. Even now I want to cover my girlfriend’s face, put it up her ass and choke her. Continue reading this post…
The definition of irony: Contraceptive maker seeks protection.
The maker of the Today Sponge, once lampooned on Seinfeld when the contraceptive was pulled from stores, has filed for bankruptcy. Synova Healthcare Group Inc. has asked the federal bankruptcy court in Delaware for Chapter 11 protection and said it will sell its businesses to pay off debt.
The company has survived on borrowed money since 2005 and said it is unable to find any more. In court documents on Tuesday, Synova listed assets of about US$21 million and liabilities of almost $27 million. Continue reading this post…
Man selling soul on eBay for $1 millon so he can have Christmas money. Oh, the irony.
He says the winning eBay bidder will receive his spirit in a glass jar as well as a contract “relinquishing ownership”. He told buyers: “I’ve got no money for the Christmas holidays, and all I’ve got left to sell is my soul.
“I’m not really using it lately - and selling it on eBay is better than letting the Devil have it.” The seller from LA added: “Keep it for yourself, or give it to someone you know who needs one. Who knows what it may be capable of? “My hope is that with the money I can get a life and then buy it back.”
The starting bid is $1 million, but surprisingly he has yet to receive an offer. But he is still hopeful of lucre because the auction has another day to run.
The sale is reminiscent of an episode of the Simpsons, when Bart sells his soul to Milhouse. Bart laughs at the idea until he finds automatic doors fail to open for him.
The lot is just one of a number of wacky items currently on sale on eBay - including a dollar bill with the face of Jesus on it.
